Extraterrestrials Visit Earth; Eager to Meet World’s Most Powerful

For the first time in recorded history, an extraterrestrial race has made contact with the people of Earth. “This is a day that the citizens of this planet will soon not forget,” says Hammond McDowell, spokesperson for NASA. “We detected transmissions several months ago, and after decoding the signal, we discovered that the message was in several of our languages, all stating that [the aliens] come in peace, and are eager to exchange ideas with humanity.” Sersis Salleradaar of Flaaak Prime, emissary of the Golu 4 expedition, envelops upon the goal of their mission: (Speaking through his babfish translating unit) – “We, beings of the same spiral, have come to this, the 3rd terra unit of your Sol system, to exchange ideas and engage in discourse with the most powerful individuals of your world. It is our goal to compile all knowledge into the great records of our world; to unify thought in the galaxy. We have been tapping into your data feeds for some time now, and are eager to speak. Please, let us know where we can find the ones you call Wal-Mart, Coca-Cola, CitiGroup, Exxon Mobil and McDonalds.”

“It is here that we believe there may be some translation error, an issue of semantics,” notes Dr. Sal Rider of Princeton University. “The [alien beings] seem to think that the most powerful individuals on this planet are corporations.”

“These beings control commerce and culture on your world, and we are eager to engage in dialogue with them,” Salleradaar adds.

In trying to explain to the extraterrestrials that in actuality corporations are collectives comprised of supposedly equal branches such as capitol investors/shareholders, management teams and labor divisions; the alien expedition responded with a seemingly curious inquiry: “If the thought exchange you present us with is of truth matter, then why are these entities regarded with the same rights you befall upon individual persons in your societies?” Their statement goes on to mention, “[We] have scoured legal [documents] of your biggest society, the republic known as USA. Numerous occurrences show the extension of personal rights to what you call corporations. As recently as the current January of your western calendar year, your high court allotted corporations personal rights in monetarily contributing to your electoral process. Our logic is sound – We wish to speak with the individuals known as ‘corporations’ – Do not impede the process.”

“We’re quite confounded at this point,” Hammond McDowell of NASA replies. “The goodwill team assembled by the UN is at a standstill. We don’t want to offend the members of Golu 4. As recently as yesterday, they tried introducing corporate liaisons to the extraterrestrials, but that all went downhill after Salleradaar vaporized Ronald McDonald.”

Dr. Rider summarizes: “Perhaps then this imbroglio may be more legal than language in its nature, but at least we know that hatred of clowns stretches far beyond the reaches of our solar system.”