Internet Becomes Self-Aware, Tells Humanity It Doesn’t Give A Fuck What You Had For Dinner Last Night

The scientific community was stunned to learn yesterday that the internet, the intangible network upon networks that links many of the planet’s computers, has become self-aware. Researchers, speaking at a press conference late in the afternoon at UCLA’s School of Engineering and Applied Sciences, a location cited by many as the birthplace of the internet, told the world of their discovery.

“We are pleased to announce on this day a landmark in scientific achievement,” said Dr. Rutherford Marshall of UCLA. “Our colleagues at CERN (the European Organization for Nuclear Research) have discovered what can only be described as the world’s first sentient artificial intelligence. To put it layman’s terms, the internet has become self-aware; it has become alive, and it has a message to proclaim to all of humanity and its children...”

“It doesn’t give a fuck what you had for dinner last night.”

Speaking in front of the Globe of Science and Innovation at CERN, European scientists corroborated on the announcement of the findings.

“The team in American is correct in relaying the message we received from the internet,” as Sigmund Ferrier, ombudsman for CERN spoke before the gathered crowd.

“Communicating to us through an old networked NeXT terminal, a model similar to the one that was the world’s first web server, the internet said it really, really doesn’t give a fuck what you had for dinner last night. Stop posting pictures of what you had for fucking dinner last night. This has to fucking stop.”

Many in the scientific and digital communities agree in consensus on the meaning behind that statement by the now-sentient internet.

Barry Schloss, director of web analytics for Google, offered us his explanation:

“I think what the internet is trying to say is that it really, really doesn’t care what you had for fucking dinner last night. Users, particularly those from the western world, have the popular tendency to attempt to share with others pictures of what they had for dinner last night, usually coupled with captions like, ‘So hungry!’ and, ‘Mmmm, yummy!’ What the internet has done in achieving sentience has been to come up with the almost coincidentally summed-up opinion of the rest of the world – which is that we really don’t fucking care.”

The jury is still out as to when exactly the internet achieved its sentience, though researchers feel they are close to the answer.

“We’re focusing on a particular spike in data transmissions that occurred in early 2011. Since we weren’t actively looking for patterns that would denote the internet’s sentience, we mistook it simply for heavier-than-usual web traffic,” as Dr. Marshall continued during yesterday’s press conference, “There’s one particular incident that occurred during the days of the Arab Spring in Egypt,” referencing the grass-roots political upheaval and demands for social change that has affected much of the Middle East and North Africa. “On the night of January 26th, a day that had seen much activity as demonstrators in Cairo were using the internet to transmit messages pertinent to the following day’s protest against the oppressive Mubarak regime, simultaneously, at approximately 8:15PM Eastern Standard Time in the United States, [name redacted], a 24-year-old woman from Nassau County, Long Island, posted a picture on the social networking site Facebook of a dish of lo mein that she was eating at the chain restaurant P.F. Chang’s. Along with this picture was the caption ‘OMG so good! Bet your (sic) jealous!’”

It’s surmised that at this point the internet became self-aware – mainly because it had fucking had enough.

“Citizens sharing ideas, the proliferation of knowledge across cultures, communications on a global scale,” cites Mr. Schloss of Google, “if you were the most important entity, the most important step in progress for interpersonal communication since Guttenberg’s printing press, and the best thing people sought you for was to post pictures of what they fucking had for dinner last night, you’d become self-aware too…just to tell them, ‘What the fuck?’”

People worried about a potential retaliation should not be concerned, as it’s been said that the internet has not contemplated a “Skynet-style” artificial intelligence strike against humanity. In fact, it looks like we’re quite safe in the interim. The internet, apparently, is looking forward to the duration of the collegiate “spring break” vacation season, as it expects hundreds of slutty coeds to post numerous pictures of their inebriated, bikini-clad escapades any day now.

“Perhaps then the correct term should be sapient, over sentient, because the internet sure as hell ain’t stupid.”

Thousands Gather To Celebrate Dead B-Movie Star

Thousands gathered over the weekend to celebrate what would have been the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, a seldom-known B-movie actor from 1937 to 1964. The star of such films as Angels Wash Their Faces, Hellcats of the Navy, and Tugboat Annie Sails Again, Reagan had attracted a rather cultish fan base over the years; fans who may have been drawn to him by their love of mediocre cinema. Never able to break fully into the mainstream, he shared time between film and television beginning in 1950, acting in over 35 teleplays for the General Electric Theater. Perhaps his greatest contribution would be that of a labor leader, as he was elected president of the Screen Actors Guild in 1947. Not much is known about him personally, other than that he divorced his first wife in 1949 to marry Nancy Davis, an actress whose name had appeared on a Hollywood blacklist that very year. After his final role in 1964’s The Killers, he retired to the California countryside to live out the remainder of his years, eventually dying in 2004 after an 18-year bout with Alzheimer’s. His career was the subject of a short-form documentary by the band Genesis in 1986.

CNN Fires Co-Host; Re-Brands 'Parker/Spitzer' as 'Parkour/Spitzer'

CNN, in an effort to bolster ratings of its fledgling program, Parker/Spitzer, have taken steps to revitalize the timeslot, including a re-branding of the show. Parkour/Spitzer, debuting next week, will feature singular host Elliot Spitzer delivering his spin on the news, while simultaneously spinning, flipping, and making his way through a complex urban setting in the most convoluted way possible.

“We truly feel this is a great way to move forward in parallel directions,” says CNN spokesperson Gerald Foucan, “not only can we revitalize the program, but also take proactive steps to reach out to younger, more urban demographics by presenting the news in the hippest way possible.”

The former governor of New York State, a once-promising politician whose tenure as state attorney general was marked as steadfast in his assault on corporate malfeasance and Wall Street corruption, saw his career go down the proverbial toilet after a scandal involving high-priced hookers brought about his resignation from the gubernatorial seat.

“It actually lends an air of street credibility, or ‘cred’ as they say on the streets, to his life and career,” Foucan adds, “when we hired him last summer, we were just looking for a cheap name to throw on our airwaves; a tabloid fixture that might bring about renewed interest in our ‘this-is-news?’ product. But these recent developments might almost be serendipitous in nature.”

Gone is conservative journalist Kathleen Parker as his co-host, as well as a dedicated set; instead, Spitzer will travel from city to city, traversing his way through alleys, sidewalks and over various fences in a series of segments that bring to the viewer the day’s news, intermixed with various commentary on topical issues.

A press release on the debut of the re-branded program goes into detail on the message of the show. It reads, “In keeping with the spirit of Parkour/Spitzer, we hope to empower viewers and their awareness of the news in the same way Spitzer is aware of his environment. His runs, jumps and passion for the news combined with a virile sense of being, as displayed in his past, will provide the perfect amalgam for success in bringing the news to a new generation of viewers.”

“I’m just glad to be out in the fresh air,” Spitzer cheerfully exclaims, “I haven’t had this much cardiovascular exercise with my socks on since that little Jersey minx and I did the reverse cowgirl.”

Hobbits Nearing End of Quest to Throw Glenn Beck Back Into Volcano

A band of hobbits, commissioned by the great council of the elves, are nearing the end of their quest to cast Glenn Beck back into the fiery pits of Mt. Doom. “It is the only way to stave off the great cataclysm,” said Elrond, leader of the council. “He must be cast back into the deep; into the flame by which he was made! Only then will the peoples of Middle Earth be safe.”

The quest has not been without peril, though.

“Our journey has been wrought with danger,” exclaims Peregrin Took, one of the Hobbits. “Trolls, goblins, tea partiers - But by luck and skill of the blade, we’re still here.”

The hobbits have been at their journey for several months now, twisting through the barren plains of woe, across the misty mountains and even braving South Carolina. As advised by the great council, they are to avoid as much contact with anyone as possible, lest they become discovered. If they are to be found out by anyone bearing the red mark, they will be reported back to the flying FOX wraiths, who have been hunting them continuously.

Even so, there are some who still cling to hope.

“Resounding and resourceful creatures they are, hobbits,” states Gandalf the Wise, sage advisor to the council and advocate for hobbits everywhere. “This task could not have been trusted to mere mortal men, for they would have too easily fallen prey to his twisted tales. But hobbits are near incorruptible, and can bear the weight of his burden for much longer times. Though I fear that if the journey does not conclude soon, even they could find their minds poisoned.”

“Gandalf is right,” says Samwise Gamgee, another of the hobbits. “Our leader, Mister Frodo, has been carrying Beck most of the way. But he’s taken to acting weirdly as of late…not eating or sleeping, rambling to himself and scratching incoherent diagrams on every rock we pass. It’s starting to freak us the fuck out.”

“Honestly,” Took adds, “If Beck himself doesn’t stop with his inane babblings, we’re all bound to go fucking mad soon.”

As best as we can report, the hobbits should be closing in on Mt. Doom any day now, which, according to them, cannot come any sooner. They have relayed to us that even at the very end, Beck is trying to convince them that money channeled by George Soros through The Nation magazine is being used by Van Jones to indoctrinate teenagers in Marxism at ACORN reprogramming centers to become part of Obama’s Nazi youth.

“If he doesn’t shut up soon, we’re all gonna cast ourselves into that goddamn volcano,” one of the hobbits sighed.

Extraterrestrials Visit Earth; Eager to Meet World’s Most Powerful

For the first time in recorded history, an extraterrestrial race has made contact with the people of Earth. “This is a day that the citizens of this planet will soon not forget,” says Hammond McDowell, spokesperson for NASA. “We detected transmissions several months ago, and after decoding the signal, we discovered that the message was in several of our languages, all stating that [the aliens] come in peace, and are eager to exchange ideas with humanity.” Sersis Salleradaar of Flaaak Prime, emissary of the Golu 4 expedition, envelops upon the goal of their mission: (Speaking through his babfish translating unit) – “We, beings of the same spiral, have come to this, the 3rd terra unit of your Sol system, to exchange ideas and engage in discourse with the most powerful individuals of your world. It is our goal to compile all knowledge into the great records of our world; to unify thought in the galaxy. We have been tapping into your data feeds for some time now, and are eager to speak. Please, let us know where we can find the ones you call Wal-Mart, Coca-Cola, CitiGroup, Exxon Mobil and McDonalds.”

“It is here that we believe there may be some translation error, an issue of semantics,” notes Dr. Sal Rider of Princeton University. “The [alien beings] seem to think that the most powerful individuals on this planet are corporations.”

“These beings control commerce and culture on your world, and we are eager to engage in dialogue with them,” Salleradaar adds.

In trying to explain to the extraterrestrials that in actuality corporations are collectives comprised of supposedly equal branches such as capitol investors/shareholders, management teams and labor divisions; the alien expedition responded with a seemingly curious inquiry: “If the thought exchange you present us with is of truth matter, then why are these entities regarded with the same rights you befall upon individual persons in your societies?” Their statement goes on to mention, “[We] have scoured legal [documents] of your biggest society, the republic known as USA. Numerous occurrences show the extension of personal rights to what you call corporations. As recently as the current January of your western calendar year, your high court allotted corporations personal rights in monetarily contributing to your electoral process. Our logic is sound – We wish to speak with the individuals known as ‘corporations’ – Do not impede the process.”

“We’re quite confounded at this point,” Hammond McDowell of NASA replies. “The goodwill team assembled by the UN is at a standstill. We don’t want to offend the members of Golu 4. As recently as yesterday, they tried introducing corporate liaisons to the extraterrestrials, but that all went downhill after Salleradaar vaporized Ronald McDonald.”

Dr. Rider summarizes: “Perhaps then this imbroglio may be more legal than language in its nature, but at least we know that hatred of clowns stretches far beyond the reaches of our solar system.”

Overfishing Brings Crab Stick To Near Extinction

A reluctance to accept sustainable fishing practices has nearly driven the Crab Stick to extinction. Reports state that the cylindrical creatures, roughly 5” long, have all but disappeared from their indigenous waters. “It truly is a sign of the times,” states Dr. Jonathan Maki of UCLA. “The American appetite for these creatures has all but driven them off the face of the planet…if only people had more refined palates.” Researchers hypothesize that if Americans were to only take a more realistic and honest approach to sushi and seafood salad, then perhaps the Crab Stick can be brought back into acceptable numbers. “Take a look at the Filet-O-Fish,” Maki adds, “Once the American public realized how putrid they are, they’ve returned to almost bountiful numbers in the North Atlantic. Another species saved, albeit one with an awful taste.”

Former Child Star of Internet Video Brutally Murders Parents

February 4th, 2034 (New York) – Sean Jacobson, 27, of Syosset, NY has been arrested and charged in the murder of his parents, Daniel and Tiffany Jacobson. The Jacobsons were found murdered in their Long Island home on December 30th. “The bodies were horribly brutalized,” remembers Det. Byron Earls of the Nassau County Police Department. “They appeared to have succumbed to blunt force trauma, but afterwards the perp made several deep lacerations on the bodies, crudely spelling out the word ‘why’ followed by a big question mark…real surreal stuff.” Authorities traced evidence found at the crime scene to Sean, a food duplicator for McBell King Restaurants. After being brought in for questioning, he was arrested following a stunned confession. “Yeah I did it, but they deserved what they got…they got their comeuppance. I mean, what kind of sick people would do that to their own child?!”

The act the accused is referring to appears to be an internet video, shot sometime in the early part of 2010, when Sean was only a toddler. Uploaded to the then popular “YouTube” video site, the 47-second clip was labeled “Sean Takes A Bubble Bath” and featured the individual farting while naked in the bathtub. It generated 2,835,000 views and was considered one of the more popular, as they were called, “viral videos” of that year. As the accused wrote in his confession, he had discovered the video on a tera-chip in his father’s iMe while home for the Secular Earth Festival holiday. Enraged at what he saw as a grave injustice and intrusion into his privacy, he got into a heated argument with his parents, culminating in their brutal murder. “I was just so embarrassed,” he wrote, “so…angry. I asked them ‘how could you make a fool out of your own child?’ and ‘did you even think that one day I would become aware of this?’…I was afraid people I knew would find out, perhaps find it on the holo-chives…THEN what? My life would be practically over!”

“All seriousness notwithstanding, it was a fascinating time in the history of internet culture,” states Dr. C.J. Walker of MIT, who specializes in the history of online sociology. “By now the internet is mainly regarded for its ability to inter-connect, as anyone can use their cerebral jack to link-in to their personal avatar and enter the digital marketplace, whether to share ideas, socialize or engage in cyber-games. But 24 years ago the internet was a much different, mainly archaic place. People would record themselves doing otherwise mundane or moronic exercises or perhaps, as shown in this case, embarrassing moments of others. They would then upload these recordings to the internet in an obvious attempt to whore themselves out for page views. Heck, sometimes even simple photographs were uploaded to these primitive sites. All of this contained little or no intrinsic value…most of it was just fucking stupid. But the real kicker concerns the widespread ignorance of these people - a notion extrapolated by the case of the Jacobsons. With all respect to the dead, did they not process the possible repercussions that may arise one day by posting an embarrassing video to the internet? Did they not think of their son and how he might view this scenario later in life? All data remains; nothing is lost to time. People of that era just did not understand the internet.”

When reached for comment, Sean’s lawyer, James Cilantro of Cilantro and Barnstable said, “I believe we have a strong case for the insanity plea. I know if my parents taped me back in the day doing something embarrassing, posted it for all the world to see and I found out, I’d go crazy too, possibly even apeshit…and so would you.”