A band of hobbits, commissioned by the great council of the elves, are nearing the end of their quest to cast Glenn Beck back into the fiery pits of Mt. Doom. “It is the only way to stave off the great cataclysm,” said Elrond, leader of the council. “He must be cast back into the deep; into the flame by which he was made! Only then will the peoples of Middle Earth be safe.”
The quest has not been without peril, though.
“Our journey has been wrought with danger,” exclaims Peregrin Took, one of the Hobbits. “Trolls, goblins, tea partiers - But by luck and skill of the blade, we’re still here.”
The hobbits have been at their journey for several months now, twisting through the barren plains of woe, across the misty mountains and even braving South Carolina. As advised by the great council, they are to avoid as much contact with anyone as possible, lest they become discovered. If they are to be found out by anyone bearing the red mark, they will be reported back to the flying FOX wraiths, who have been hunting them continuously.
Even so, there are some who still cling to hope.
“Resounding and resourceful creatures they are, hobbits,” states Gandalf the Wise, sage advisor to the council and advocate for hobbits everywhere. “This task could not have been trusted to mere mortal men, for they would have too easily fallen prey to his twisted tales. But hobbits are near incorruptible, and can bear the weight of his burden for much longer times. Though I fear that if the journey does not conclude soon, even they could find their minds poisoned.”
“Gandalf is right,” says Samwise Gamgee, another of the hobbits. “Our leader, Mister Frodo, has been carrying Beck most of the way. But he’s taken to acting weirdly as of late…not eating or sleeping, rambling to himself and scratching incoherent diagrams on every rock we pass. It’s starting to freak us the fuck out.”
“Honestly,” Took adds, “If Beck himself doesn’t stop with his inane babblings, we’re all bound to go fucking mad soon.”
As best as we can report, the hobbits should be closing in on Mt. Doom any day now, which, according to them, cannot come any sooner. They have relayed to us that even at the very end, Beck is trying to convince them that money channeled by George Soros through The Nation magazine is being used by Van Jones to indoctrinate teenagers in Marxism at ACORN reprogramming centers to become part of Obama’s Nazi youth.
“If he doesn’t shut up soon, we’re all gonna cast ourselves into that goddamn volcano,” one of the hobbits sighed.
The quest has not been without peril, though.
“Our journey has been wrought with danger,” exclaims Peregrin Took, one of the Hobbits. “Trolls, goblins, tea partiers - But by luck and skill of the blade, we’re still here.”
The hobbits have been at their journey for several months now, twisting through the barren plains of woe, across the misty mountains and even braving South Carolina. As advised by the great council, they are to avoid as much contact with anyone as possible, lest they become discovered. If they are to be found out by anyone bearing the red mark, they will be reported back to the flying FOX wraiths, who have been hunting them continuously.
Even so, there are some who still cling to hope.
“Resounding and resourceful creatures they are, hobbits,” states Gandalf the Wise, sage advisor to the council and advocate for hobbits everywhere. “This task could not have been trusted to mere mortal men, for they would have too easily fallen prey to his twisted tales. But hobbits are near incorruptible, and can bear the weight of his burden for much longer times. Though I fear that if the journey does not conclude soon, even they could find their minds poisoned.”
“Gandalf is right,” says Samwise Gamgee, another of the hobbits. “Our leader, Mister Frodo, has been carrying Beck most of the way. But he’s taken to acting weirdly as of late…not eating or sleeping, rambling to himself and scratching incoherent diagrams on every rock we pass. It’s starting to freak us the fuck out.”
“Honestly,” Took adds, “If Beck himself doesn’t stop with his inane babblings, we’re all bound to go fucking mad soon.”
As best as we can report, the hobbits should be closing in on Mt. Doom any day now, which, according to them, cannot come any sooner. They have relayed to us that even at the very end, Beck is trying to convince them that money channeled by George Soros through The Nation magazine is being used by Van Jones to indoctrinate teenagers in Marxism at ACORN reprogramming centers to become part of Obama’s Nazi youth.
“If he doesn’t shut up soon, we’re all gonna cast ourselves into that goddamn volcano,” one of the hobbits sighed.
