Popular Recording May Be Source of Strain on Nation’s Emergency Response System

Recent studies have uncovered a staggering trend in select cities across the nation, as emergency response times have suffered due to unrequited strain on the system. “If this trend perpetuates, we could see a total breakdown occur sometime within the next six months,” Philip Verhoeven, spokesperson for the National 911 Dispatch Association, tries to explain. “We’ve never experienced anything like this before, and that’s taking both population growth and urban sprawl into account.”

Scientists have been working feverishly on a response to this growing cascade, or to at least seek out its origin. “If people just stopped phoning in all these god-damn shawty fires, then we wouldn’t have a fucking problem,” Dr. D.K Monroe of M.I.T. implores, making a reference to a popular recording by Jamaican artist Sean “The Master” Kingston. “If you look at the data, it coincides perfectly with the release of that stupid song. Also, what the fuck is a 'shawty fire' anyway?” His team seeks to draw attention to the fact that the increase in 911 activity began to trend upward at precisely the same time Kingston’s latest single, “Fire Burning,” was released.

Transcripts from 911 dispatch centers seem to back up this theory. “Shawty fires,” as they are called, are being phoned in numerous times per night, often from the same location. Transcripts also point out that the actual “shawty fire” may or may not even be seen by the person reporting it. “They often state that they just overheard a plea to call 911 by someone explicating that a shawty fire had just broken out on the dance floor,” says Bethany Henderson, a dispatcher in the Houston area. “Even if they are nowhere near a dance floor, they still call it in. It could be a Pavlovian response, or they could just be overly concerned when it comes to addressing shawty fires.”

Regardless, authorities hope that this trend will quell sooner or later as they try to combat the growing rate of 911 calls on the local level. We’ve learned that firefighters are often perplexed by how to actually deal with a “shawty fire,” but are happy to tackle the effort.

When reached for a comment, Sean Kingston expressed concern for the strain, as well as feeling relieved that he did not go with the line “Somebody phone the bomb squad, shawty explosion rockin’ da club” instead.

Possible Topics of Discussion between George W. Bush and John Madden at Yesterday’s Sunday Night Football Game

- Hoagies vs. Turduckens (the perfect food?)

- The rightful failure of the neoconservative agenda

- Brett Favre

- Malapropisms

- Giving Frank Caliendo a career

Time Travelers Stunned to Find Future World United in Peace through Common Hatred of Black Eyed Peas’ Music

Amateur time travelers were stunned to discover Friday that our civilization will eventually develop into a worldwide utopia, with all peoples united by their common hatred of the music of the Black Eyed Peas. “It’s amazing” stated Dylan Rogers, one of the returning time travelers. “Sometime around 2014, people just started getting really, really sick of the Black Eyed Peas. Perhaps it was the lack of basic song structure, lyrics that don’t go anywhere, or their constant selling out to corporate interests…we’re still unsure. What we do know is people started expressing themselves more verbosely about disliking them, and before you know it, BAM! The whole world is united in peace.” Sociologists were not surprised by this revelation, stating that “Often, a common thread amongst peoples will bring them closer together. Once the barriers of culture are blurred, divisive concepts like war become irrelevant. Besides, have you heard ‘I Gotta Feeling’? It’s a fucking atrocious song…” Film historians are quick to point out that this closely mirrors the plot of the 1989 flick Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, with the exception that in this instance it was hatred for music that brought the world together, though with the same results.

Calls to the Black Eyed Peas had not been returned as of press time. A rep for their label stated that the band was busy rewriting their latest single so it can be adapted into a promotion for an upcoming Arby’s sandwich.