Oprah Swears Vengeance, Sends Army of Hawkmen to Destroy Rio de Janeiro

An enraged Oprah Winfrey has responded to the International Olympic Committee’s decision to award Rio de Janeiro the 2016 summer games on Friday. She has unleashed her army of Hawkmen to destroy the Brazilian city. “Nothing, but nothing will stand opposed to the Oprah!” she bellowed from her war rocket as her army of minions descended upon the metropolis. Her sworn vengeance against Rio seems to be steeped in the fact that it was chosen above Chicago for the ’16 Olympic Games, a fatal error committed by the IOC. Oprah had flown personally with the Obamas to Copenhagen last week, seeking an audience with the committee for the purpose of securing the games for the city. Several of her cyborg advisors saw this as nothing more than a formality, though; they believed no one would be foolish enough to temp fate with her wrath. “A grave error has been made…we are just lucky that Rio is bearing the brunt. After the ‘Frey incident,’ thousands of us were committed to irons for a millennia,” stated one of the advisors. After the IOC’s decision was made public, citizens around the world feared for the worst. Several people with connections deep inside her inner circle believe her plan won’t stop with the simple destruction of Rio de Janeiro. They believe that once her Hawkmen raze the city to the ground, she will rebuild it and dub it “Chicago,” so that the Olympics will be held in a Chicago regardless. “[People of the world] just don’t understand,” a scientist, who asked not to be named, pleaded. “Nothing will ever quench her thirst for power...this is just the tipping point! Once Rio is gone she will focus her power on the moon, then unleash her disasters upon our surface world! She must be stopped!” Those few who stand opposed to Oprah wonder if the only hope left for Rio and our civilization lies in the hands of Mark Sanchez, quarterback for the New York Jets.