Overfishing Brings Crab Stick To Near Extinction

A reluctance to accept sustainable fishing practices has nearly driven the Crab Stick to extinction. Reports state that the cylindrical creatures, roughly 5” long, have all but disappeared from their indigenous waters. “It truly is a sign of the times,” states Dr. Jonathan Maki of UCLA. “The American appetite for these creatures has all but driven them off the face of the planet…if only people had more refined palates.” Researchers hypothesize that if Americans were to only take a more realistic and honest approach to sushi and seafood salad, then perhaps the Crab Stick can be brought back into acceptable numbers. “Take a look at the Filet-O-Fish,” Maki adds, “Once the American public realized how putrid they are, they’ve returned to almost bountiful numbers in the North Atlantic. Another species saved, albeit one with an awful taste.”

Former Child Star of Internet Video Brutally Murders Parents

February 4th, 2034 (New York) – Sean Jacobson, 27, of Syosset, NY has been arrested and charged in the murder of his parents, Daniel and Tiffany Jacobson. The Jacobsons were found murdered in their Long Island home on December 30th. “The bodies were horribly brutalized,” remembers Det. Byron Earls of the Nassau County Police Department. “They appeared to have succumbed to blunt force trauma, but afterwards the perp made several deep lacerations on the bodies, crudely spelling out the word ‘why’ followed by a big question mark…real surreal stuff.” Authorities traced evidence found at the crime scene to Sean, a food duplicator for McBell King Restaurants. After being brought in for questioning, he was arrested following a stunned confession. “Yeah I did it, but they deserved what they got…they got their comeuppance. I mean, what kind of sick people would do that to their own child?!”

The act the accused is referring to appears to be an internet video, shot sometime in the early part of 2010, when Sean was only a toddler. Uploaded to the then popular “YouTube” video site, the 47-second clip was labeled “Sean Takes A Bubble Bath” and featured the individual farting while naked in the bathtub. It generated 2,835,000 views and was considered one of the more popular, as they were called, “viral videos” of that year. As the accused wrote in his confession, he had discovered the video on a tera-chip in his father’s iMe while home for the Secular Earth Festival holiday. Enraged at what he saw as a grave injustice and intrusion into his privacy, he got into a heated argument with his parents, culminating in their brutal murder. “I was just so embarrassed,” he wrote, “so…angry. I asked them ‘how could you make a fool out of your own child?’ and ‘did you even think that one day I would become aware of this?’…I was afraid people I knew would find out, perhaps find it on the holo-chives…THEN what? My life would be practically over!”

“All seriousness notwithstanding, it was a fascinating time in the history of internet culture,” states Dr. C.J. Walker of MIT, who specializes in the history of online sociology. “By now the internet is mainly regarded for its ability to inter-connect, as anyone can use their cerebral jack to link-in to their personal avatar and enter the digital marketplace, whether to share ideas, socialize or engage in cyber-games. But 24 years ago the internet was a much different, mainly archaic place. People would record themselves doing otherwise mundane or moronic exercises or perhaps, as shown in this case, embarrassing moments of others. They would then upload these recordings to the internet in an obvious attempt to whore themselves out for page views. Heck, sometimes even simple photographs were uploaded to these primitive sites. All of this contained little or no intrinsic value…most of it was just fucking stupid. But the real kicker concerns the widespread ignorance of these people - a notion extrapolated by the case of the Jacobsons. With all respect to the dead, did they not process the possible repercussions that may arise one day by posting an embarrassing video to the internet? Did they not think of their son and how he might view this scenario later in life? All data remains; nothing is lost to time. People of that era just did not understand the internet.”

When reached for comment, Sean’s lawyer, James Cilantro of Cilantro and Barnstable said, “I believe we have a strong case for the insanity plea. I know if my parents taped me back in the day doing something embarrassing, posted it for all the world to see and I found out, I’d go crazy too, possibly even apeshit…and so would you.”