Thousands Gather To Celebrate Dead B-Movie Star

Thousands gathered over the weekend to celebrate what would have been the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, a seldom-known B-movie actor from 1937 to 1964. The star of such films as Angels Wash Their Faces, Hellcats of the Navy, and Tugboat Annie Sails Again, Reagan had attracted a rather cultish fan base over the years; fans who may have been drawn to him by their love of mediocre cinema. Never able to break fully into the mainstream, he shared time between film and television beginning in 1950, acting in over 35 teleplays for the General Electric Theater. Perhaps his greatest contribution would be that of a labor leader, as he was elected president of the Screen Actors Guild in 1947. Not much is known about him personally, other than that he divorced his first wife in 1949 to marry Nancy Davis, an actress whose name had appeared on a Hollywood blacklist that very year. After his final role in 1964’s The Killers, he retired to the California countryside to live out the remainder of his years, eventually dying in 2004 after an 18-year bout with Alzheimer’s. His career was the subject of a short-form documentary by the band Genesis in 1986.

CNN Fires Co-Host; Re-Brands 'Parker/Spitzer' as 'Parkour/Spitzer'

CNN, in an effort to bolster ratings of its fledgling program, Parker/Spitzer, have taken steps to revitalize the timeslot, including a re-branding of the show. Parkour/Spitzer, debuting next week, will feature singular host Elliot Spitzer delivering his spin on the news, while simultaneously spinning, flipping, and making his way through a complex urban setting in the most convoluted way possible.

“We truly feel this is a great way to move forward in parallel directions,” says CNN spokesperson Gerald Foucan, “not only can we revitalize the program, but also take proactive steps to reach out to younger, more urban demographics by presenting the news in the hippest way possible.”

The former governor of New York State, a once-promising politician whose tenure as state attorney general was marked as steadfast in his assault on corporate malfeasance and Wall Street corruption, saw his career go down the proverbial toilet after a scandal involving high-priced hookers brought about his resignation from the gubernatorial seat.

“It actually lends an air of street credibility, or ‘cred’ as they say on the streets, to his life and career,” Foucan adds, “when we hired him last summer, we were just looking for a cheap name to throw on our airwaves; a tabloid fixture that might bring about renewed interest in our ‘this-is-news?’ product. But these recent developments might almost be serendipitous in nature.”

Gone is conservative journalist Kathleen Parker as his co-host, as well as a dedicated set; instead, Spitzer will travel from city to city, traversing his way through alleys, sidewalks and over various fences in a series of segments that bring to the viewer the day’s news, intermixed with various commentary on topical issues.

A press release on the debut of the re-branded program goes into detail on the message of the show. It reads, “In keeping with the spirit of Parkour/Spitzer, we hope to empower viewers and their awareness of the news in the same way Spitzer is aware of his environment. His runs, jumps and passion for the news combined with a virile sense of being, as displayed in his past, will provide the perfect amalgam for success in bringing the news to a new generation of viewers.”

“I’m just glad to be out in the fresh air,” Spitzer cheerfully exclaims, “I haven’t had this much cardiovascular exercise with my socks on since that little Jersey minx and I did the reverse cowgirl.”