Zoologists confirmed yesterday that it was indeed a herd of wild North Atlantic Guidos that was sighted at the Pennsylvania Station terminus of the Long Island Railroad late Friday night. “The data corroborates perfectly with what we know of them,” stated Dr. Harris Lee of Hofstra University. “They often use these forms of conveyance to lead themselves from their habitats across the south shore of Long Island into New York City to forage.”
Several eyewitnesses were able to relay the telltale signs: the pungent odor of cologne, spiked hair, spotty dialect and an almost orange hue to their epidermis. “We weren’t sure at first,” bystander Carol Kerr questioned. “I mean, they sure looked and behaved like guidos…I should know, I’m from Nassau County.” Carol had worked late that night for a city-based advertising firm and was at the railroad station with some co-workers waiting to go home when the guidos were spotted. “They weren’t wearing sleeveless t-shirts, or ‘wife-beaters’ as they are often referred to colloquially, but then we thought that perhaps they had put on some sort of disguise…It was only later that the research team told me that often the guido will don a different hide when it seeks out liquid sustenance and possible mates…now I’m just glad they didn’t try and hit on me.”
“Carol should consider herself lucky, as the North Atlantic Guido is a rather stubborn creature when it comes to its mating ritual,” Dr. Lee responds. “It cannot process the denial of advances, and will accost the female indefinably until she submits. Luckily for her, she was not bearing the desired traits the guido searches for.” Dr. Lee is alluding to the American Tramp-Back, a breed of female that the guido will likely gravitate towards if present in a pack. She is often recognized by a similar dialect and a skin color near identical to the guido, as well as a lack of clothing which reveals the distinctive lower back markings that have become near-endemic to the breed. “Their identifiable traits make them the perfect target for the guido,” Dr. Lee goes on to mention that, “Our research has shown that their lack of inhibitions and common sense gives the guido a clear advantage in their pursuits.”
Dr. Harris Lee has been studying the North Atlantic Guido for almost a decade now. “They’re fascinating specimens,” the doctor proclaims. “From what we know, they are individually not intelligent enough to survive on their own, yet they thrive flawlessly in the herd environment. Groupthink allows them to proliferate…It gives us keen insight into how certain species can try and stave off the end of the evolutionary road for as long as possible.” Dr. Lee conducts his research from Long Island’s Hofstra University, which he believes gives him a strategic standpoint in documenting the guido. He often uses females from the university’s undergrad population to bait possible subjects for study at any one of the several nightclub facilities that dot the Island’s landscape. “We’re on the cusp of a major breakthrough…If our next round of funding comes through we hope to purchase an east end establishment and set up cameras to capture the guido in its natural environment.”
As for the public perception of the team’s research, Martin Filippelli, spokesperson for a local ethnic advocacy group, finds a positive outcome in what Dr. Lee is doing. “Once the population has become educated on the classification of the North Atlantic Guido as separate and distinct from the rest of humanity, then we can no longer worry about them being used to mischaracterize other groups. This will benefit all.”
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
ACLU Seeks Injunction Against Metro City Mayor’s Crime-Prevention Tactics
Representatives of the American Civil Liberties Union are seeking to file an injunction against first-term Metro City mayor Mike Haggar. According to their statement, they claim that the tactics the mayor is utilizing in his near-personal vendetta against city-wide crime “borders on an almost archaic, thuggish approach to dealing with society’s derelicts.” “The rights of all citizens must be protected. He can’t just go around busting the heads of random street punks and gang members.”
Eyewitnesses in some of the city’s worst neighborhoods have seen the mayor, along with two accomplices, systematically working their way through the streets, savagely brutalizing anyone they suspect as having associations with the criminal element. “We understand his frustration,” says Andore Wright, lawyer for the ACLU. “Crime in Metro City is at an all time high, and the mayor is under great duress, but that does not mean one can simply play vigilante and bruise their way to results.” He adds, “Proper and rightful law enforcement is the answer here, not this. There are legal ramifications for what is being done.”
Haggar was recently elected to the mayoral seat of Metro City in an almost landslide victory. “His history as a professional wrestler and community activist have really endeared himself as a man of the people,” states Brenda Roll, spokesperson for Haggar’s 2008 campaign. “He’s a good man. And until his daughter is found safely, those Mad Gear punks are gonna pay!” Brenda is referring to Jessica Haggar, the mayor’s daughter. An aspiring socialite with a penchant for partying, it’s been reported that she has not been seen for several days. Supposed associations with this entity called the “Mad Gear” have gone unfounded.
Of course, not everyone in the city approves of Mike Haggar’s approach in dealing with crime; in fact, they welcome the ACLU’s pending injunction. Haggar has already had to deal with the threat of a police strike, and corporate leaders fear his intimidating tactics will send the wrong message about Metro City’s reputation as a center of international commerce. “He’s meddling in affairs that don’t concern him,” says businessman Horace Belger, who is confined to a wheelchair. “He’d better watch out…how’s Jessica, by the way?”
When asked for a comment in response to the ACLU’s actions and his detractors, the mayor responded to our reporter’s inquiry by pile-driving him into the pavement, perhaps cementing the beliefs of many that this personal crusade against crime of his borders on lunacy.
UPDATE – Cody Travers, long time associate of mayor Mike Haggar, as well as boyfriend to Haggar’s still missing daughter, Jessica, was arrested late last night. Police state that Travers was arrested following an incident involving a local transsexual. While we are unsure that money was exchanged for sexual favors, it is known that he was brought into custody following an altercation.
Eyewitnesses in some of the city’s worst neighborhoods have seen the mayor, along with two accomplices, systematically working their way through the streets, savagely brutalizing anyone they suspect as having associations with the criminal element. “We understand his frustration,” says Andore Wright, lawyer for the ACLU. “Crime in Metro City is at an all time high, and the mayor is under great duress, but that does not mean one can simply play vigilante and bruise their way to results.” He adds, “Proper and rightful law enforcement is the answer here, not this. There are legal ramifications for what is being done.”
Haggar was recently elected to the mayoral seat of Metro City in an almost landslide victory. “His history as a professional wrestler and community activist have really endeared himself as a man of the people,” states Brenda Roll, spokesperson for Haggar’s 2008 campaign. “He’s a good man. And until his daughter is found safely, those Mad Gear punks are gonna pay!” Brenda is referring to Jessica Haggar, the mayor’s daughter. An aspiring socialite with a penchant for partying, it’s been reported that she has not been seen for several days. Supposed associations with this entity called the “Mad Gear” have gone unfounded.
Of course, not everyone in the city approves of Mike Haggar’s approach in dealing with crime; in fact, they welcome the ACLU’s pending injunction. Haggar has already had to deal with the threat of a police strike, and corporate leaders fear his intimidating tactics will send the wrong message about Metro City’s reputation as a center of international commerce. “He’s meddling in affairs that don’t concern him,” says businessman Horace Belger, who is confined to a wheelchair. “He’d better watch out…how’s Jessica, by the way?”
When asked for a comment in response to the ACLU’s actions and his detractors, the mayor responded to our reporter’s inquiry by pile-driving him into the pavement, perhaps cementing the beliefs of many that this personal crusade against crime of his borders on lunacy.
UPDATE – Cody Travers, long time associate of mayor Mike Haggar, as well as boyfriend to Haggar’s still missing daughter, Jessica, was arrested late last night. Police state that Travers was arrested following an incident involving a local transsexual. While we are unsure that money was exchanged for sexual favors, it is known that he was brought into custody following an altercation.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Actor Steve Guttenberg Touts Controversial New Treatment for Hemorrhoids
The medical community is in an uproar as actor Steve Guttenberg, best known for the character of Sgt. Mahoney in the popular Police Academy movies, has come forth in support of a controversial new treatment for hemorrhoids. His announcement comes on the heels of Suzanne Somers’ new book, Knockout, in which she details her beliefs in how cancer should be treated. “I figured, why the hell not?” exclaimed Guttenberg. “I’ve been reading up on hemorrhoids…In fact, I was browsing a pamphlet the other day while at the doctor’s office. Then it hit me. I’m now an expert on hemorrhoids…heck, I bet I know how to treat them better than learned medical professionals with PhD’s. I mean, I played a science-type guy in Short Circuit, so I have to know what I’m talking about...”
The treatment Guttenberg backs involves a procedure in which the patient stands on his or her head in a bowl of cranberries for a period of roughly 30 minutes a day while listening to nothing but Kenny Loggins records. The belief is that the hemorrhoids should retreat from the anus back into the body, permanently ashamed to ever manifest again. This procedure was pioneered by the late Finkter Grey, a discredited former root and berry salesman who believed that the mainstream treatment for hemorrhoids, the readily available Preparation H, was little more than a conspiracy perpetrated by the manufacturers of pharmacy video surveillance equipment who get their jollies from watching embarrassed patrons buy topical ointments. Grey had been discovered dead in his duplex last March, his neck broken and his hair a matte, sloppy red. A burned copy of "Footloose" on repeat in his CD player was found as well.
Expectedly, spokespeople for the AMA have been quick to discredit Guttenberg. “These Hollywood types have no idea what they’re talking about," said Jamie Johnson, one such spokesperson. "They get these ideas in their heads that they think they’re experts, and the sycophantic celebrity-worshipping public suffers. We know that not every treatment works for every patient - it’s indicative of our unique physiological makeups. We share a common anatomical build, but certain things work for certain people. This isn’t an excuse to follow some idiot; instead, talk to your doctor…they know what they’re talking about. What’s next, a so-called link between hemorrhoids and vaccines?”
“Interesting that they should say that," Guttenberg offered in response. "I’m sure if one checks, you’ll find that many hemorrhoid suffers were vaccinated as children. I bet this means something.”
As of press time Guttenberg is slated to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show next month, as part of her annual “Correlation Does Equal Causation” celebrity medical panel. He’ll be alongside Jenny McCarthy and fellow newcomer John Madden, a proponent of the relatively unknown and never-tested “Brett Favre” treatment for lymphoma.
The treatment Guttenberg backs involves a procedure in which the patient stands on his or her head in a bowl of cranberries for a period of roughly 30 minutes a day while listening to nothing but Kenny Loggins records. The belief is that the hemorrhoids should retreat from the anus back into the body, permanently ashamed to ever manifest again. This procedure was pioneered by the late Finkter Grey, a discredited former root and berry salesman who believed that the mainstream treatment for hemorrhoids, the readily available Preparation H, was little more than a conspiracy perpetrated by the manufacturers of pharmacy video surveillance equipment who get their jollies from watching embarrassed patrons buy topical ointments. Grey had been discovered dead in his duplex last March, his neck broken and his hair a matte, sloppy red. A burned copy of "Footloose" on repeat in his CD player was found as well.
Expectedly, spokespeople for the AMA have been quick to discredit Guttenberg. “These Hollywood types have no idea what they’re talking about," said Jamie Johnson, one such spokesperson. "They get these ideas in their heads that they think they’re experts, and the sycophantic celebrity-worshipping public suffers. We know that not every treatment works for every patient - it’s indicative of our unique physiological makeups. We share a common anatomical build, but certain things work for certain people. This isn’t an excuse to follow some idiot; instead, talk to your doctor…they know what they’re talking about. What’s next, a so-called link between hemorrhoids and vaccines?”
“Interesting that they should say that," Guttenberg offered in response. "I’m sure if one checks, you’ll find that many hemorrhoid suffers were vaccinated as children. I bet this means something.”
As of press time Guttenberg is slated to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show next month, as part of her annual “Correlation Does Equal Causation” celebrity medical panel. He’ll be alongside Jenny McCarthy and fellow newcomer John Madden, a proponent of the relatively unknown and never-tested “Brett Favre” treatment for lymphoma.
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