The medical community is in an uproar as actor Steve Guttenberg, best known for the character of Sgt. Mahoney in the popular Police Academy movies, has come forth in support of a controversial new treatment for hemorrhoids. His announcement comes on the heels of Suzanne Somers’ new book, Knockout, in which she details her beliefs in how cancer should be treated. “I figured, why the hell not?” exclaimed Guttenberg. “I’ve been reading up on hemorrhoids…In fact, I was browsing a pamphlet the other day while at the doctor’s office. Then it hit me. I’m now an expert on hemorrhoids…heck, I bet I know how to treat them better than learned medical professionals with PhD’s. I mean, I played a science-type guy in Short Circuit, so I have to know what I’m talking about...”
The treatment Guttenberg backs involves a procedure in which the patient stands on his or her head in a bowl of cranberries for a period of roughly 30 minutes a day while listening to nothing but Kenny Loggins records. The belief is that the hemorrhoids should retreat from the anus back into the body, permanently ashamed to ever manifest again. This procedure was pioneered by the late Finkter Grey, a discredited former root and berry salesman who believed that the mainstream treatment for hemorrhoids, the readily available Preparation H, was little more than a conspiracy perpetrated by the manufacturers of pharmacy video surveillance equipment who get their jollies from watching embarrassed patrons buy topical ointments. Grey had been discovered dead in his duplex last March, his neck broken and his hair a matte, sloppy red. A burned copy of "Footloose" on repeat in his CD player was found as well.
Expectedly, spokespeople for the AMA have been quick to discredit Guttenberg. “These Hollywood types have no idea what they’re talking about," said Jamie Johnson, one such spokesperson. "They get these ideas in their heads that they think they’re experts, and the sycophantic celebrity-worshipping public suffers. We know that not every treatment works for every patient - it’s indicative of our unique physiological makeups. We share a common anatomical build, but certain things work for certain people. This isn’t an excuse to follow some idiot; instead, talk to your doctor…they know what they’re talking about. What’s next, a so-called link between hemorrhoids and vaccines?”
“Interesting that they should say that," Guttenberg offered in response. "I’m sure if one checks, you’ll find that many hemorrhoid suffers were vaccinated as children. I bet this means something.”
As of press time Guttenberg is slated to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show next month, as part of her annual “Correlation Does Equal Causation” celebrity medical panel. He’ll be alongside Jenny McCarthy and fellow newcomer John Madden, a proponent of the relatively unknown and never-tested “Brett Favre” treatment for lymphoma.
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