Herd of North Atlantic Guidos Sighted at Manhattan Railroad Station

Zoologists confirmed yesterday that it was indeed a herd of wild North Atlantic Guidos that was sighted at the Pennsylvania Station terminus of the Long Island Railroad late Friday night. “The data corroborates perfectly with what we know of them,” stated Dr. Harris Lee of Hofstra University. “They often use these forms of conveyance to lead themselves from their habitats across the south shore of Long Island into New York City to forage.”

Several eyewitnesses were able to relay the telltale signs: the pungent odor of cologne, spiked hair, spotty dialect and an almost orange hue to their epidermis. “We weren’t sure at first,” bystander Carol Kerr questioned. “I mean, they sure looked and behaved like guidos…I should know, I’m from Nassau County.” Carol had worked late that night for a city-based advertising firm and was at the railroad station with some co-workers waiting to go home when the guidos were spotted. “They weren’t wearing sleeveless t-shirts, or ‘wife-beaters’ as they are often referred to colloquially, but then we thought that perhaps they had put on some sort of disguise…It was only later that the research team told me that often the guido will don a different hide when it seeks out liquid sustenance and possible mates…now I’m just glad they didn’t try and hit on me.”

“Carol should consider herself lucky, as the North Atlantic Guido is a rather stubborn creature when it comes to its mating ritual,” Dr. Lee responds. “It cannot process the denial of advances, and will accost the female indefinably until she submits. Luckily for her, she was not bearing the desired traits the guido searches for.” Dr. Lee is alluding to the American Tramp-Back, a breed of female that the guido will likely gravitate towards if present in a pack. She is often recognized by a similar dialect and a skin color near identical to the guido, as well as a lack of clothing which reveals the distinctive lower back markings that have become near-endemic to the breed. “Their identifiable traits make them the perfect target for the guido,” Dr. Lee goes on to mention that, “Our research has shown that their lack of inhibitions and common sense gives the guido a clear advantage in their pursuits.”

Dr. Harris Lee has been studying the North Atlantic Guido for almost a decade now. “They’re fascinating specimens,” the doctor proclaims. “From what we know, they are individually not intelligent enough to survive on their own, yet they thrive flawlessly in the herd environment. Groupthink allows them to proliferate…It gives us keen insight into how certain species can try and stave off the end of the evolutionary road for as long as possible.” Dr. Lee conducts his research from Long Island’s Hofstra University, which he believes gives him a strategic standpoint in documenting the guido. He often uses females from the university’s undergrad population to bait possible subjects for study at any one of the several nightclub facilities that dot the Island’s landscape. “We’re on the cusp of a major breakthrough…If our next round of funding comes through we hope to purchase an east end establishment and set up cameras to capture the guido in its natural environment.”

As for the public perception of the team’s research, Martin Filippelli, spokesperson for a local ethnic advocacy group, finds a positive outcome in what Dr. Lee is doing. “Once the population has become educated on the classification of the North Atlantic Guido as separate and distinct from the rest of humanity, then we can no longer worry about them being used to mischaracterize other groups. This will benefit all.”