Grammys Unveil New Format of Recognizing Music’s Worst

The Recording Academy has stunned the music world by reorganizing the format of the Grammy Awards. The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards, set to take place in January, will for the first time reflect what the industry sees as its absolute worst. “It seemed like a logical step,” explains Brenda Portnoy, spokesperson for The Recording Academy. “For years it has been a trying effort to concisely agree on what our best product has been. The increased fragmentation of what can be called popular music combined with the growing berth of subjective taste has made it too difficult to come to a general consensus. We now find that it is much, much easier to just point out what sucks.”

The announcement of the nominees for this revamped Grammy Awards includes many artists known to suck: the Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga and Bon Jovi, among others. What may surprise viewers and fans though are the inclusion of both Beyonce and Taylor Swift to such a staggering degree, each garnering ten and eight nominations, respectively. “What we have here,” says Portnoy, “are examples of how our new format can be used to objectively render and disseminate a message to a particular artist. In Taylor Swift’s case it is simple – ‘too much, too fast’. Her collection of shallow pop songs posing as country tunes may endear her to the simpletons of society, but she needs to be reminded that until she matures as an artist, she’s not going to be taken seriously - plus, her singing is weak at best. As for Beyonce…well, that’s a bit more complicated. She has quite a substantial amount of talent, but I dare you to try and remember any one of her hits from a period of at least 14 months ago. You can’t. Her songs seem to escape the memory the second they slide down the charts. Same went for Mariah Carey. You remember Beatles songs from 40 years ago…I can barely recall the singles off Beyonce’s last album.”

Music fans seem for the most part invigorated by the new approach, with several excited to see acts like Dave Mathews, T-Pain and Rascal Flatts finally get their comeuppance. “I sure hope the Black Eyed Peas sweep every category they’re in,” exclaims Paul Lifeson, a college student at NYU. “Maybe then they’ll get the hint that their songs are pure shit.” Still, others are left confused. Neil Tiven of Bayside states, “I thought this is what the Grammys have been doing for years…How is it any different?"