Parents of Naughty Children Eagerly Await Arrival of Krampus on Christmas Eve

“I can’t wait to see that little fucker get his due,” says Bethany Thompson, referring to her son, Jason. “He’s been a pain all year…now, now he’ll know what it’s like to suffer.”

Bethany, like many parents of naughty children, awaits with much anticipation the arrival of Christmas Eve, for she knows that with it comes the arrival of the Krampus. “I’m so delighted,” she exclaims, “As Santa will be rightfully rewarding the good little boys and girls with presents, I know my child will be beaten raw through the wrath of the Krampus.”

Unbeknownst to most citizens, the Krampus has long been counterpart to Santa Claus, riding alongside ‘ol Saint Nick and dispensing punishment to children who have been naughty all year. Carl Saberhagan, public liaison elf for the North Pole, explains why many are unaware of his existence. “Listen,” he says, “it’s tough enough trying to pass off a fat bearded man breaking into a third of the houses in the world in one night just to leave presents and eat cookies as being legit. It takes powerful magic to pull that off year after year. But all the magic in existence wouldn't be able to gloss over the PR nightmare that would develop if people knew he was accompanied by a demonic horned figure brandishing a birch rod that he uses to strike naughty children severely. Parents of these naughty children understand, but they are the exception. So, we conjured up that silly coal-in-the-stocking story to placate the rest of the masses. Plus, we’d never move as much Santa-related merch if he was depicted next to his hell-beast accomplice.”

Still, parents of naughty children feel that a heightened awareness of the Krampus could lead to better behavior in much of society’s youth. “I’m telling ya,” states Maryann Scimone, mother of 4 – “With all the shit my kids have caused this year, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the Christmas that the Krampus finally puts them in his magical basket and drags them down into the bowels of hell. If more people knew of this, we’d have a lot more well behaved kids out there.”

Perhaps in time these parents will get their wish, as awareness of the Krampus’ existence continues to unfold. In Germanic regions of the world, knowledge of the Krampus has rested comfortably with the people there for centuries. “Yeah, it takes a lot to faze those people,” Carl tells us. “An evil creature torturing children on Christmas Eve is actually quite tame for them.”

Notorious “Celebrity” Couple Revealed to Be Carefully Constructed Social Experiment

Investigative reporters have uncovered a surprising fact about an infamous “celebrity” couple: they are little more than a thoroughly planned experiment in the study of celebritism in America. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, or “Speidi,” as the entertainment media has dubbed them, are in actuality Livia Joseph and Dennis Plax, graduate students and researchers at the University of Southern California’s Department of Psychology. “We’re surprised it lasted this long,” confesses Dr. Nigel Plotkin, the head of the group that devised the experiment. “If anything, it’s refreshing that the media finally uncovered our ruse; it does well to buck the trend of lackluster investigative reporting these days.”

According to the report, the team at USC originally devised the experiment during a period between 2005 & ‘06, utilizing the MTV program The Hills as a launching pad. “[MTV] was our first big hurdle,” stated Livia Joseph, who at the time was an undergrad student at USC. “They were completely oblivious and fell for it perfectly, so we knew we could use them as a springboard for this exercise.” Articulate and cultured in real life, Livia is the antithesis of the now-revealed-as-character Heidi Montag. “What I wanted to do was to fabricate a character so absolutely lacking in talent or even basic intellect…someone undeserving of anything that would be given to them. I just never dreamed we would get the results we were looking for.”

The results, as we’ve learned, was to prove the hypothesis that a person or persons could ascertain to the perceived heights of celebrity in modern American society without any real accomplishments or even basic worth to that society. “We had noticed a shift in the paradigm of celebrity and fame in America, to much chagrin,” states Dr. Plotkin. “It used to be that those who sought fame did so through the success of their endeavors, that celebrity was usually a byproduct of what they were tying to achieve or contribute to our society. Nowadays it’s as if people seek to aspire to celebrity simply for the sake of, with no real desire to contribute to the betterment of anything. So, we devised this experiment – A process in which we would create these two ‘individuals’ – Characters taken to such an extreme that not only would they be of little use to society, they would just be horrible, horrible people. The fact that they were able to parlay appearances on some gutter 'reality' program into entering the pop culture mindset through media manipulation not only proves us correct, it shows that the media itself contributes much to this disturbing trend.”

“It’s almost bittersweet,” laments Dennis Plax, the man behind the Spencer Pratt persona. “We put a lot into this, but it’s sad to see it was so successful…I mean, there were times when we said ‘they’re on to us, they know we’re worthless and they’re gonna start ignoring us any day now’ – But it never happened. People just remained fixated on us and every pathetic action we perpetrated.”

“Like when I did that pop record,” Livia adds. “We purposely tried to make it as horrible as possible, a scatological piece of worthless drivel.”

Results aside, Dr. Plotkin says he could not have been more pleased with the performances both Dennis and Livia gave in the experiment. “They were phenomenal in their portrayals. The arrogance, the false sense of entitlement…they nailed it. Dennis in particular – he went out of his way to study each scenario carefully and give the response that he knew would irritate and annoy as many people as possible. It was beyond brilliant.”

With the experiment concluded and the characters of Spencer and Heidi retired for good, people are wondering what lies in the future for Dennis and Livia. “We’d just like to return to our lives as graduate students at USC,” Livia tell us. “We’re done acting like clown on parade.” Dennis adds, “We’ve actually received several offers to pen books, and even host a program on the E! Entertainment channel. We just politely decline and tell them we’d like to focus more on our work.”

“Now THAT is irony,” Dr. Plotkin chuckles.

Courageous Local Politician Uncovers Plot to Destroy Christmas

Thanks to the efforts of a courageous local politician, a vast plot to destroy Christmas in America has been uncovered. Russell Wiseman, mayor of Arlington, Tennessee, a small suburb northeast of Memphis, first took notice of this matter on the night of December 1st. Settling in with his family to watch the annual airing of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, he was shocked to find the program preempted, replaced instead by Barack Obama’s televised address on our involvement in Afghanistan. Seeing this presidential speech airing at this specific time as not being just a coincidence, Wiseman took to the internet to relay his interpretation of these events to his constituents. What follows is a portion of his remarks, transcribed from his Facebook page –


"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."

Wiseman also scoffed at the President’s supporters, telling them, “[they] need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that’s America…pitiful.”

Resonating throughout the web, Wiseman’s diatribe soon took notice. Federal agents began a formal investigation, and quickly uncovered a vast plot by the liberal left, decades in the making, to bring down the Christmas holiday and the American way of life. “We couldn’t have done it without the cunning intellect and quick action of Russell Wiseman,” says Guy Dunce of the FBI. “His keen words gave us the insight we needed to bring the people behind this to justice. Hell, this thing went all the way to the White House.”

Investigators have since deducted that the liberal left, working in accordance with Islamic radicals, began plotting to destroy Christmas almost 50 years ago. The earliest evidence uncovered was that of a falsified birth report found in a Hawaii newspaper in 1961. “These criminals haven’t been playing around,” Dunce states. "This is one of the most well thought-out plots in our history. We’ve always known liberals to be godless heathens, but to destroy Christmas itself? America’s only government-sanctioned religious holiday? How crazy is that? It’s almost as if they wanted to hijack this festival to purposely ascribe their own beliefs to it.”

Action is now being taken to deal with the perpetrators behind this.

“Most liberals are easily identifiable enough,” states Agent Dunce. “Though we have devised a foolproof test to better aid in seeking them out - Using Russell Wiseman’s words as inspiration, we simply ask people if they believe Jesus Christ is the son of god…if they do anything besides saying the word ‘yes’ immediately, then they are taken into custody.”

News of the exposure has reverberated throughout much of world, going so far as to cause uproar in the Middle East. Omar Mudib of the Iranian Consulate exclaims, “We Muslims are pissed. We have invested so much time and money in your president and your Democratic Party. We plot with your atheists. Now our plan is toast and you still have your Christmas. Allah has forsaken us this day.”

“Wiseman is a hero,” joyously states Carolyn Tard. Spokesperson for Fox News, Tard says that Fox’s viewership regards Russell Wiseman as a man that best represents themselves and what they believe America stands for. “We’ve been warning for years of a possible War on ChristmasTM. All this does is corroborate what we’ve been saying. Let me just say that Beck and O’Reilly are already arguing over who gets first dibs on this conservative champion.”

As for preventing any future plots against Christmas, feds are again looking to Russell Wiseman for advice. “He alluded to something in his online words about restricting voting rights to property owners. We figure if we can keep the so-called ‘Constitutional Scholars’ out of it, this can form the basis of a new policy.”

Grammys Unveil New Format of Recognizing Music’s Worst

The Recording Academy has stunned the music world by reorganizing the format of the Grammy Awards. The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards, set to take place in January, will for the first time reflect what the industry sees as its absolute worst. “It seemed like a logical step,” explains Brenda Portnoy, spokesperson for The Recording Academy. “For years it has been a trying effort to concisely agree on what our best product has been. The increased fragmentation of what can be called popular music combined with the growing berth of subjective taste has made it too difficult to come to a general consensus. We now find that it is much, much easier to just point out what sucks.”

The announcement of the nominees for this revamped Grammy Awards includes many artists known to suck: the Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga and Bon Jovi, among others. What may surprise viewers and fans though are the inclusion of both Beyonce and Taylor Swift to such a staggering degree, each garnering ten and eight nominations, respectively. “What we have here,” says Portnoy, “are examples of how our new format can be used to objectively render and disseminate a message to a particular artist. In Taylor Swift’s case it is simple – ‘too much, too fast’. Her collection of shallow pop songs posing as country tunes may endear her to the simpletons of society, but she needs to be reminded that until she matures as an artist, she’s not going to be taken seriously - plus, her singing is weak at best. As for Beyonce…well, that’s a bit more complicated. She has quite a substantial amount of talent, but I dare you to try and remember any one of her hits from a period of at least 14 months ago. You can’t. Her songs seem to escape the memory the second they slide down the charts. Same went for Mariah Carey. You remember Beatles songs from 40 years ago…I can barely recall the singles off Beyonce’s last album.”

Music fans seem for the most part invigorated by the new approach, with several excited to see acts like Dave Mathews, T-Pain and Rascal Flatts finally get their comeuppance. “I sure hope the Black Eyed Peas sweep every category they’re in,” exclaims Paul Lifeson, a college student at NYU. “Maybe then they’ll get the hint that their songs are pure shit.” Still, others are left confused. Neil Tiven of Bayside states, “I thought this is what the Grammys have been doing for years…How is it any different?"