Thanks to the efforts of a courageous local politician, a vast plot to destroy Christmas in America has been uncovered. Russell Wiseman, mayor of Arlington, Tennessee, a small suburb northeast of Memphis, first took notice of this matter on the night of December 1st. Settling in with his family to watch the annual airing of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, he was shocked to find the program preempted, replaced instead by Barack Obama’s televised address on our involvement in Afghanistan. Seeing this presidential speech airing at this specific time as not being just a coincidence, Wiseman took to the internet to relay his interpretation of these events to his constituents. What follows is a portion of his remarks, transcribed from his Facebook page –"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."
Wiseman also scoffed at the President’s supporters, telling them, “[they] need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that’s America…pitiful.”
Resonating throughout the web, Wiseman’s diatribe soon took notice. Federal agents began a formal investigation, and quickly uncovered a vast plot by the liberal left, decades in the making, to bring down the Christmas holiday and the American way of life. “We couldn’t have done it without the cunning intellect and quick action of Russell Wiseman,” says Guy Dunce of the FBI. “His keen words gave us the insight we needed to bring the people behind this to justice. Hell, this thing went all the way to the White House.”
Investigators have since deducted that the liberal left, working in accordance with Islamic radicals, began plotting to destroy Christmas almost 50 years ago. The earliest evidence uncovered was that of a falsified birth report found in a Hawaii newspaper in 1961. “These criminals haven’t been playing around,” Dunce states. "This is one of the most well thought-out plots in our history. We’ve always known liberals to be godless heathens, but to destroy Christmas itself? America’s only government-sanctioned religious holiday? How crazy is that? It’s almost as if they wanted to hijack this festival to purposely ascribe their own beliefs to it.”
Action is now being taken to deal with the perpetrators behind this.
“Most liberals are easily identifiable enough,” states Agent Dunce. “Though we have devised a foolproof test to better aid in seeking them out - Using Russell Wiseman’s words as inspiration, we simply ask people if they believe Jesus Christ is the son of god…if they do anything besides saying the word ‘yes’ immediately, then they are taken into custody.”
News of the exposure has reverberated throughout much of world, going so far as to cause uproar in the Middle East. Omar Mudib of the Iranian Consulate exclaims, “We Muslims are pissed. We have invested so much time and money in your president and your Democratic Party. We plot with your atheists. Now our plan is toast and you still have your Christmas. Allah has forsaken us this day.”
“Wiseman is a hero,” joyously states Carolyn Tard. Spokesperson for Fox News, Tard says that Fox’s viewership regards Russell Wiseman as a man that best represents themselves and what they believe America stands for. “We’ve been warning for years of a possible War on ChristmasTM. All this does is corroborate what we’ve been saying. Let me just say that Beck and O’Reilly are already arguing over who gets first dibs on this conservative champion.”
As for preventing any future plots against Christmas, feds are again looking to Russell Wiseman for advice. “He alluded to something in his online words about restricting voting rights to property owners. We figure if we can keep the so-called ‘Constitutional Scholars’ out of it, this can form the basis of a new policy.”
Resonating throughout the web, Wiseman’s diatribe soon took notice. Federal agents began a formal investigation, and quickly uncovered a vast plot by the liberal left, decades in the making, to bring down the Christmas holiday and the American way of life. “We couldn’t have done it without the cunning intellect and quick action of Russell Wiseman,” says Guy Dunce of the FBI. “His keen words gave us the insight we needed to bring the people behind this to justice. Hell, this thing went all the way to the White House.”
Investigators have since deducted that the liberal left, working in accordance with Islamic radicals, began plotting to destroy Christmas almost 50 years ago. The earliest evidence uncovered was that of a falsified birth report found in a Hawaii newspaper in 1961. “These criminals haven’t been playing around,” Dunce states. "This is one of the most well thought-out plots in our history. We’ve always known liberals to be godless heathens, but to destroy Christmas itself? America’s only government-sanctioned religious holiday? How crazy is that? It’s almost as if they wanted to hijack this festival to purposely ascribe their own beliefs to it.”
Action is now being taken to deal with the perpetrators behind this.
“Most liberals are easily identifiable enough,” states Agent Dunce. “Though we have devised a foolproof test to better aid in seeking them out - Using Russell Wiseman’s words as inspiration, we simply ask people if they believe Jesus Christ is the son of god…if they do anything besides saying the word ‘yes’ immediately, then they are taken into custody.”
News of the exposure has reverberated throughout much of world, going so far as to cause uproar in the Middle East. Omar Mudib of the Iranian Consulate exclaims, “We Muslims are pissed. We have invested so much time and money in your president and your Democratic Party. We plot with your atheists. Now our plan is toast and you still have your Christmas. Allah has forsaken us this day.”
“Wiseman is a hero,” joyously states Carolyn Tard. Spokesperson for Fox News, Tard says that Fox’s viewership regards Russell Wiseman as a man that best represents themselves and what they believe America stands for. “We’ve been warning for years of a possible War on ChristmasTM. All this does is corroborate what we’ve been saying. Let me just say that Beck and O’Reilly are already arguing over who gets first dibs on this conservative champion.”
As for preventing any future plots against Christmas, feds are again looking to Russell Wiseman for advice. “He alluded to something in his online words about restricting voting rights to property owners. We figure if we can keep the so-called ‘Constitutional Scholars’ out of it, this can form the basis of a new policy.”
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