Parents of Naughty Children Eagerly Await Arrival of Krampus on Christmas Eve

“I can’t wait to see that little fucker get his due,” says Bethany Thompson, referring to her son, Jason. “He’s been a pain all year…now, now he’ll know what it’s like to suffer.”

Bethany, like many parents of naughty children, awaits with much anticipation the arrival of Christmas Eve, for she knows that with it comes the arrival of the Krampus. “I’m so delighted,” she exclaims, “As Santa will be rightfully rewarding the good little boys and girls with presents, I know my child will be beaten raw through the wrath of the Krampus.”

Unbeknownst to most citizens, the Krampus has long been counterpart to Santa Claus, riding alongside ‘ol Saint Nick and dispensing punishment to children who have been naughty all year. Carl Saberhagan, public liaison elf for the North Pole, explains why many are unaware of his existence. “Listen,” he says, “it’s tough enough trying to pass off a fat bearded man breaking into a third of the houses in the world in one night just to leave presents and eat cookies as being legit. It takes powerful magic to pull that off year after year. But all the magic in existence wouldn't be able to gloss over the PR nightmare that would develop if people knew he was accompanied by a demonic horned figure brandishing a birch rod that he uses to strike naughty children severely. Parents of these naughty children understand, but they are the exception. So, we conjured up that silly coal-in-the-stocking story to placate the rest of the masses. Plus, we’d never move as much Santa-related merch if he was depicted next to his hell-beast accomplice.”

Still, parents of naughty children feel that a heightened awareness of the Krampus could lead to better behavior in much of society’s youth. “I’m telling ya,” states Maryann Scimone, mother of 4 – “With all the shit my kids have caused this year, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the Christmas that the Krampus finally puts them in his magical basket and drags them down into the bowels of hell. If more people knew of this, we’d have a lot more well behaved kids out there.”

Perhaps in time these parents will get their wish, as awareness of the Krampus’ existence continues to unfold. In Germanic regions of the world, knowledge of the Krampus has rested comfortably with the people there for centuries. “Yeah, it takes a lot to faze those people,” Carl tells us. “An evil creature torturing children on Christmas Eve is actually quite tame for them.”

Notorious “Celebrity” Couple Revealed to Be Carefully Constructed Social Experiment

Investigative reporters have uncovered a surprising fact about an infamous “celebrity” couple: they are little more than a thoroughly planned experiment in the study of celebritism in America. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, or “Speidi,” as the entertainment media has dubbed them, are in actuality Livia Joseph and Dennis Plax, graduate students and researchers at the University of Southern California’s Department of Psychology. “We’re surprised it lasted this long,” confesses Dr. Nigel Plotkin, the head of the group that devised the experiment. “If anything, it’s refreshing that the media finally uncovered our ruse; it does well to buck the trend of lackluster investigative reporting these days.”

According to the report, the team at USC originally devised the experiment during a period between 2005 & ‘06, utilizing the MTV program The Hills as a launching pad. “[MTV] was our first big hurdle,” stated Livia Joseph, who at the time was an undergrad student at USC. “They were completely oblivious and fell for it perfectly, so we knew we could use them as a springboard for this exercise.” Articulate and cultured in real life, Livia is the antithesis of the now-revealed-as-character Heidi Montag. “What I wanted to do was to fabricate a character so absolutely lacking in talent or even basic intellect…someone undeserving of anything that would be given to them. I just never dreamed we would get the results we were looking for.”

The results, as we’ve learned, was to prove the hypothesis that a person or persons could ascertain to the perceived heights of celebrity in modern American society without any real accomplishments or even basic worth to that society. “We had noticed a shift in the paradigm of celebrity and fame in America, to much chagrin,” states Dr. Plotkin. “It used to be that those who sought fame did so through the success of their endeavors, that celebrity was usually a byproduct of what they were tying to achieve or contribute to our society. Nowadays it’s as if people seek to aspire to celebrity simply for the sake of, with no real desire to contribute to the betterment of anything. So, we devised this experiment – A process in which we would create these two ‘individuals’ – Characters taken to such an extreme that not only would they be of little use to society, they would just be horrible, horrible people. The fact that they were able to parlay appearances on some gutter 'reality' program into entering the pop culture mindset through media manipulation not only proves us correct, it shows that the media itself contributes much to this disturbing trend.”

“It’s almost bittersweet,” laments Dennis Plax, the man behind the Spencer Pratt persona. “We put a lot into this, but it’s sad to see it was so successful…I mean, there were times when we said ‘they’re on to us, they know we’re worthless and they’re gonna start ignoring us any day now’ – But it never happened. People just remained fixated on us and every pathetic action we perpetrated.”

“Like when I did that pop record,” Livia adds. “We purposely tried to make it as horrible as possible, a scatological piece of worthless drivel.”

Results aside, Dr. Plotkin says he could not have been more pleased with the performances both Dennis and Livia gave in the experiment. “They were phenomenal in their portrayals. The arrogance, the false sense of entitlement…they nailed it. Dennis in particular – he went out of his way to study each scenario carefully and give the response that he knew would irritate and annoy as many people as possible. It was beyond brilliant.”

With the experiment concluded and the characters of Spencer and Heidi retired for good, people are wondering what lies in the future for Dennis and Livia. “We’d just like to return to our lives as graduate students at USC,” Livia tell us. “We’re done acting like clown on parade.” Dennis adds, “We’ve actually received several offers to pen books, and even host a program on the E! Entertainment channel. We just politely decline and tell them we’d like to focus more on our work.”

“Now THAT is irony,” Dr. Plotkin chuckles.

Courageous Local Politician Uncovers Plot to Destroy Christmas

Thanks to the efforts of a courageous local politician, a vast plot to destroy Christmas in America has been uncovered. Russell Wiseman, mayor of Arlington, Tennessee, a small suburb northeast of Memphis, first took notice of this matter on the night of December 1st. Settling in with his family to watch the annual airing of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, he was shocked to find the program preempted, replaced instead by Barack Obama’s televised address on our involvement in Afghanistan. Seeing this presidential speech airing at this specific time as not being just a coincidence, Wiseman took to the internet to relay his interpretation of these events to his constituents. What follows is a portion of his remarks, transcribed from his Facebook page –


"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."

Wiseman also scoffed at the President’s supporters, telling them, “[they] need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that’s America…pitiful.”

Resonating throughout the web, Wiseman’s diatribe soon took notice. Federal agents began a formal investigation, and quickly uncovered a vast plot by the liberal left, decades in the making, to bring down the Christmas holiday and the American way of life. “We couldn’t have done it without the cunning intellect and quick action of Russell Wiseman,” says Guy Dunce of the FBI. “His keen words gave us the insight we needed to bring the people behind this to justice. Hell, this thing went all the way to the White House.”

Investigators have since deducted that the liberal left, working in accordance with Islamic radicals, began plotting to destroy Christmas almost 50 years ago. The earliest evidence uncovered was that of a falsified birth report found in a Hawaii newspaper in 1961. “These criminals haven’t been playing around,” Dunce states. "This is one of the most well thought-out plots in our history. We’ve always known liberals to be godless heathens, but to destroy Christmas itself? America’s only government-sanctioned religious holiday? How crazy is that? It’s almost as if they wanted to hijack this festival to purposely ascribe their own beliefs to it.”

Action is now being taken to deal with the perpetrators behind this.

“Most liberals are easily identifiable enough,” states Agent Dunce. “Though we have devised a foolproof test to better aid in seeking them out - Using Russell Wiseman’s words as inspiration, we simply ask people if they believe Jesus Christ is the son of god…if they do anything besides saying the word ‘yes’ immediately, then they are taken into custody.”

News of the exposure has reverberated throughout much of world, going so far as to cause uproar in the Middle East. Omar Mudib of the Iranian Consulate exclaims, “We Muslims are pissed. We have invested so much time and money in your president and your Democratic Party. We plot with your atheists. Now our plan is toast and you still have your Christmas. Allah has forsaken us this day.”

“Wiseman is a hero,” joyously states Carolyn Tard. Spokesperson for Fox News, Tard says that Fox’s viewership regards Russell Wiseman as a man that best represents themselves and what they believe America stands for. “We’ve been warning for years of a possible War on ChristmasTM. All this does is corroborate what we’ve been saying. Let me just say that Beck and O’Reilly are already arguing over who gets first dibs on this conservative champion.”

As for preventing any future plots against Christmas, feds are again looking to Russell Wiseman for advice. “He alluded to something in his online words about restricting voting rights to property owners. We figure if we can keep the so-called ‘Constitutional Scholars’ out of it, this can form the basis of a new policy.”

Grammys Unveil New Format of Recognizing Music’s Worst

The Recording Academy has stunned the music world by reorganizing the format of the Grammy Awards. The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards, set to take place in January, will for the first time reflect what the industry sees as its absolute worst. “It seemed like a logical step,” explains Brenda Portnoy, spokesperson for The Recording Academy. “For years it has been a trying effort to concisely agree on what our best product has been. The increased fragmentation of what can be called popular music combined with the growing berth of subjective taste has made it too difficult to come to a general consensus. We now find that it is much, much easier to just point out what sucks.”

The announcement of the nominees for this revamped Grammy Awards includes many artists known to suck: the Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga and Bon Jovi, among others. What may surprise viewers and fans though are the inclusion of both Beyonce and Taylor Swift to such a staggering degree, each garnering ten and eight nominations, respectively. “What we have here,” says Portnoy, “are examples of how our new format can be used to objectively render and disseminate a message to a particular artist. In Taylor Swift’s case it is simple – ‘too much, too fast’. Her collection of shallow pop songs posing as country tunes may endear her to the simpletons of society, but she needs to be reminded that until she matures as an artist, she’s not going to be taken seriously - plus, her singing is weak at best. As for Beyonce…well, that’s a bit more complicated. She has quite a substantial amount of talent, but I dare you to try and remember any one of her hits from a period of at least 14 months ago. You can’t. Her songs seem to escape the memory the second they slide down the charts. Same went for Mariah Carey. You remember Beatles songs from 40 years ago…I can barely recall the singles off Beyonce’s last album.”

Music fans seem for the most part invigorated by the new approach, with several excited to see acts like Dave Mathews, T-Pain and Rascal Flatts finally get their comeuppance. “I sure hope the Black Eyed Peas sweep every category they’re in,” exclaims Paul Lifeson, a college student at NYU. “Maybe then they’ll get the hint that their songs are pure shit.” Still, others are left confused. Neil Tiven of Bayside states, “I thought this is what the Grammys have been doing for years…How is it any different?"

Herd of North Atlantic Guidos Sighted at Manhattan Railroad Station

Zoologists confirmed yesterday that it was indeed a herd of wild North Atlantic Guidos that was sighted at the Pennsylvania Station terminus of the Long Island Railroad late Friday night. “The data corroborates perfectly with what we know of them,” stated Dr. Harris Lee of Hofstra University. “They often use these forms of conveyance to lead themselves from their habitats across the south shore of Long Island into New York City to forage.”

Several eyewitnesses were able to relay the telltale signs: the pungent odor of cologne, spiked hair, spotty dialect and an almost orange hue to their epidermis. “We weren’t sure at first,” bystander Carol Kerr questioned. “I mean, they sure looked and behaved like guidos…I should know, I’m from Nassau County.” Carol had worked late that night for a city-based advertising firm and was at the railroad station with some co-workers waiting to go home when the guidos were spotted. “They weren’t wearing sleeveless t-shirts, or ‘wife-beaters’ as they are often referred to colloquially, but then we thought that perhaps they had put on some sort of disguise…It was only later that the research team told me that often the guido will don a different hide when it seeks out liquid sustenance and possible mates…now I’m just glad they didn’t try and hit on me.”

“Carol should consider herself lucky, as the North Atlantic Guido is a rather stubborn creature when it comes to its mating ritual,” Dr. Lee responds. “It cannot process the denial of advances, and will accost the female indefinably until she submits. Luckily for her, she was not bearing the desired traits the guido searches for.” Dr. Lee is alluding to the American Tramp-Back, a breed of female that the guido will likely gravitate towards if present in a pack. She is often recognized by a similar dialect and a skin color near identical to the guido, as well as a lack of clothing which reveals the distinctive lower back markings that have become near-endemic to the breed. “Their identifiable traits make them the perfect target for the guido,” Dr. Lee goes on to mention that, “Our research has shown that their lack of inhibitions and common sense gives the guido a clear advantage in their pursuits.”

Dr. Harris Lee has been studying the North Atlantic Guido for almost a decade now. “They’re fascinating specimens,” the doctor proclaims. “From what we know, they are individually not intelligent enough to survive on their own, yet they thrive flawlessly in the herd environment. Groupthink allows them to proliferate…It gives us keen insight into how certain species can try and stave off the end of the evolutionary road for as long as possible.” Dr. Lee conducts his research from Long Island’s Hofstra University, which he believes gives him a strategic standpoint in documenting the guido. He often uses females from the university’s undergrad population to bait possible subjects for study at any one of the several nightclub facilities that dot the Island’s landscape. “We’re on the cusp of a major breakthrough…If our next round of funding comes through we hope to purchase an east end establishment and set up cameras to capture the guido in its natural environment.”

As for the public perception of the team’s research, Martin Filippelli, spokesperson for a local ethnic advocacy group, finds a positive outcome in what Dr. Lee is doing. “Once the population has become educated on the classification of the North Atlantic Guido as separate and distinct from the rest of humanity, then we can no longer worry about them being used to mischaracterize other groups. This will benefit all.”

ACLU Seeks Injunction Against Metro City Mayor’s Crime-Prevention Tactics

Representatives of the American Civil Liberties Union are seeking to file an injunction against first-term Metro City mayor Mike Haggar. According to their statement, they claim that the tactics the mayor is utilizing in his near-personal vendetta against city-wide crime “borders on an almost archaic, thuggish approach to dealing with society’s derelicts.” “The rights of all citizens must be protected. He can’t just go around busting the heads of random street punks and gang members.”

Eyewitnesses in some of the city’s worst neighborhoods have seen the mayor, along with two accomplices, systematically working their way through the streets, savagely brutalizing anyone they suspect as having associations with the criminal element. “We understand his frustration,” says Andore Wright, lawyer for the ACLU. “Crime in Metro City is at an all time high, and the mayor is under great duress, but that does not mean one can simply play vigilante and bruise their way to results.” He adds, “Proper and rightful law enforcement is the answer here, not this. There are legal ramifications for what is being done.”

Haggar was recently elected to the mayoral seat of Metro City in an almost landslide victory. “His history as a professional wrestler and community activist have really endeared himself as a man of the people,” states Brenda Roll, spokesperson for Haggar’s 2008 campaign. “He’s a good man. And until his daughter is found safely, those Mad Gear punks are gonna pay!” Brenda is referring to Jessica Haggar, the mayor’s daughter. An aspiring socialite with a penchant for partying, it’s been reported that she has not been seen for several days. Supposed associations with this entity called the “Mad Gear” have gone unfounded.

Of course, not everyone in the city approves of Mike Haggar’s approach in dealing with crime; in fact, they welcome the ACLU’s pending injunction. Haggar has already had to deal with the threat of a police strike, and corporate leaders fear his intimidating tactics will send the wrong message about Metro City’s reputation as a center of international commerce. “He’s meddling in affairs that don’t concern him,” says businessman Horace Belger, who is confined to a wheelchair. “He’d better watch out…how’s Jessica, by the way?”

When asked for a comment in response to the ACLU’s actions and his detractors, the mayor responded to our reporter’s inquiry by pile-driving him into the pavement, perhaps cementing the beliefs of many that this personal crusade against crime of his borders on lunacy.



UPDATE – Cody Travers, long time associate of mayor Mike Haggar, as well as boyfriend to Haggar’s still missing daughter, Jessica, was arrested late last night. Police state that Travers was arrested following an incident involving a local transsexual. While we are unsure that money was exchanged for sexual favors, it is known that he was brought into custody following an altercation.

Actor Steve Guttenberg Touts Controversial New Treatment for Hemorrhoids

The medical community is in an uproar as actor Steve Guttenberg, best known for the character of Sgt. Mahoney in the popular Police Academy movies, has come forth in support of a controversial new treatment for hemorrhoids. His announcement comes on the heels of Suzanne Somers’ new book, Knockout, in which she details her beliefs in how cancer should be treated. “I figured, why the hell not?” exclaimed Guttenberg. “I’ve been reading up on hemorrhoids…In fact, I was browsing a pamphlet the other day while at the doctor’s office. Then it hit me. I’m now an expert on hemorrhoids…heck, I bet I know how to treat them better than learned medical professionals with PhD’s. I mean, I played a science-type guy in Short Circuit, so I have to know what I’m talking about...”

The treatment Guttenberg backs involves a procedure in which the patient stands on his or her head in a bowl of cranberries for a period of roughly 30 minutes a day while listening to nothing but Kenny Loggins records. The belief is that the hemorrhoids should retreat from the anus back into the body, permanently ashamed to ever manifest again. This procedure was pioneered by the late Finkter Grey, a discredited former root and berry salesman who believed that the mainstream treatment for hemorrhoids, the readily available Preparation H, was little more than a conspiracy perpetrated by the manufacturers of pharmacy video surveillance equipment who get their jollies from watching embarrassed patrons buy topical ointments. Grey had been discovered dead in his duplex last March, his neck broken and his hair a matte, sloppy red. A burned copy of "Footloose" on repeat in his CD player was found as well.

Expectedly, spokespeople for the AMA have been quick to discredit Guttenberg. “These Hollywood types have no idea what they’re talking about," said Jamie Johnson, one such spokesperson. "They get these ideas in their heads that they think they’re experts, and the sycophantic celebrity-worshipping public suffers. We know that not every treatment works for every patient - it’s indicative of our unique physiological makeups. We share a common anatomical build, but certain things work for certain people. This isn’t an excuse to follow some idiot; instead, talk to your doctor…they know what they’re talking about. What’s next, a so-called link between hemorrhoids and vaccines?”

“Interesting that they should say that," Guttenberg offered in response. "I’m sure if one checks, you’ll find that many hemorrhoid suffers were vaccinated as children. I bet this means something.”

As of press time Guttenberg is slated to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show next month, as part of her annual “Correlation Does Equal Causation” celebrity medical panel. He’ll be alongside Jenny McCarthy and fellow newcomer John Madden, a proponent of the relatively unknown and never-tested “Brett Favre” treatment for lymphoma.

Real-Life Version of Teen Webcast Show Surprised to Discover 90% of Viewers are Middle-Aged Adult Men

A group of local teens, ages 13-16, have discovered that their weekly webcast show is not drawing the popularity seen by its fictitious counterpart, the Nickelodeon program iCarly. “We’re kinda stumped,” one of the teens said. “On the TV show, Carly’s webcasts have made her one of the most popular celebs in the country. The only emails we get are from a couple of old guys who write weird things.”


The kids were propelled to do the webcasts in the hopes that broadcasting themselves engaging in wacky hijinks and just hanging around would make them as recognized in the real world as the TV program’s kids are in their fictitious world. Instead, many of the fans they have generated are mostly middle-aged men, with several of them registered sex offenders. Kimberly, one of the teens who hosts the show, exclaimed, “I’m totally bummed. I mean, [Carly] gets messages from thousands of fans around the world. All I get is this guy from the next town over who keeps asking if I want to meet him in the town park after midnight. That’s way past my curfew.”


The fact that they are mostly a draw with middle-aged males is not the only problem beleaguering these kids. They were quick to find out that the suspension of disbelief in the fictitious TV world, which allots its denizens top-of-the-line special effects, quality writing and endless resources for a simple teen webcast does not apply in the real world. In reality, their show is plagued by long periods of awkward silence, not to mention the numerous technical snafus coupled with the realization that the sparse bandwidth they can afford often results in a frozen picture when their few fans tune in. Interestingly enough, these fans don’t seem to mind. “As long as at least one of them is on screen when the picture freezes, I’m good to go,” said a man who would only identify himself as "Philip."


Many of the teens are beginning to lose interest in the endeavor, as well as facing pressure from parents to stop the webcasts. One girl told us her father was tired of finding screencaps of her as wallpaper on his boss's computer.

Oprah Swears Vengeance, Sends Army of Hawkmen to Destroy Rio de Janeiro

An enraged Oprah Winfrey has responded to the International Olympic Committee’s decision to award Rio de Janeiro the 2016 summer games on Friday. She has unleashed her army of Hawkmen to destroy the Brazilian city. “Nothing, but nothing will stand opposed to the Oprah!” she bellowed from her war rocket as her army of minions descended upon the metropolis. Her sworn vengeance against Rio seems to be steeped in the fact that it was chosen above Chicago for the ’16 Olympic Games, a fatal error committed by the IOC. Oprah had flown personally with the Obamas to Copenhagen last week, seeking an audience with the committee for the purpose of securing the games for the city. Several of her cyborg advisors saw this as nothing more than a formality, though; they believed no one would be foolish enough to temp fate with her wrath. “A grave error has been made…we are just lucky that Rio is bearing the brunt. After the ‘Frey incident,’ thousands of us were committed to irons for a millennia,” stated one of the advisors. After the IOC’s decision was made public, citizens around the world feared for the worst. Several people with connections deep inside her inner circle believe her plan won’t stop with the simple destruction of Rio de Janeiro. They believe that once her Hawkmen raze the city to the ground, she will rebuild it and dub it “Chicago,” so that the Olympics will be held in a Chicago regardless. “[People of the world] just don’t understand,” a scientist, who asked not to be named, pleaded. “Nothing will ever quench her thirst for power...this is just the tipping point! Once Rio is gone she will focus her power on the moon, then unleash her disasters upon our surface world! She must be stopped!” Those few who stand opposed to Oprah wonder if the only hope left for Rio and our civilization lies in the hands of Mark Sanchez, quarterback for the New York Jets.

Popular Recording May Be Source of Strain on Nation’s Emergency Response System

Recent studies have uncovered a staggering trend in select cities across the nation, as emergency response times have suffered due to unrequited strain on the system. “If this trend perpetuates, we could see a total breakdown occur sometime within the next six months,” Philip Verhoeven, spokesperson for the National 911 Dispatch Association, tries to explain. “We’ve never experienced anything like this before, and that’s taking both population growth and urban sprawl into account.”

Scientists have been working feverishly on a response to this growing cascade, or to at least seek out its origin. “If people just stopped phoning in all these god-damn shawty fires, then we wouldn’t have a fucking problem,” Dr. D.K Monroe of M.I.T. implores, making a reference to a popular recording by Jamaican artist Sean “The Master” Kingston. “If you look at the data, it coincides perfectly with the release of that stupid song. Also, what the fuck is a 'shawty fire' anyway?” His team seeks to draw attention to the fact that the increase in 911 activity began to trend upward at precisely the same time Kingston’s latest single, “Fire Burning,” was released.

Transcripts from 911 dispatch centers seem to back up this theory. “Shawty fires,” as they are called, are being phoned in numerous times per night, often from the same location. Transcripts also point out that the actual “shawty fire” may or may not even be seen by the person reporting it. “They often state that they just overheard a plea to call 911 by someone explicating that a shawty fire had just broken out on the dance floor,” says Bethany Henderson, a dispatcher in the Houston area. “Even if they are nowhere near a dance floor, they still call it in. It could be a Pavlovian response, or they could just be overly concerned when it comes to addressing shawty fires.”

Regardless, authorities hope that this trend will quell sooner or later as they try to combat the growing rate of 911 calls on the local level. We’ve learned that firefighters are often perplexed by how to actually deal with a “shawty fire,” but are happy to tackle the effort.

When reached for a comment, Sean Kingston expressed concern for the strain, as well as feeling relieved that he did not go with the line “Somebody phone the bomb squad, shawty explosion rockin’ da club” instead.

Possible Topics of Discussion between George W. Bush and John Madden at Yesterday’s Sunday Night Football Game

- Hoagies vs. Turduckens (the perfect food?)

- The rightful failure of the neoconservative agenda

- Brett Favre

- Malapropisms

- Giving Frank Caliendo a career

Time Travelers Stunned to Find Future World United in Peace through Common Hatred of Black Eyed Peas’ Music

Amateur time travelers were stunned to discover Friday that our civilization will eventually develop into a worldwide utopia, with all peoples united by their common hatred of the music of the Black Eyed Peas. “It’s amazing” stated Dylan Rogers, one of the returning time travelers. “Sometime around 2014, people just started getting really, really sick of the Black Eyed Peas. Perhaps it was the lack of basic song structure, lyrics that don’t go anywhere, or their constant selling out to corporate interests…we’re still unsure. What we do know is people started expressing themselves more verbosely about disliking them, and before you know it, BAM! The whole world is united in peace.” Sociologists were not surprised by this revelation, stating that “Often, a common thread amongst peoples will bring them closer together. Once the barriers of culture are blurred, divisive concepts like war become irrelevant. Besides, have you heard ‘I Gotta Feeling’? It’s a fucking atrocious song…” Film historians are quick to point out that this closely mirrors the plot of the 1989 flick Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, with the exception that in this instance it was hatred for music that brought the world together, though with the same results.

Calls to the Black Eyed Peas had not been returned as of press time. A rep for their label stated that the band was busy rewriting their latest single so it can be adapted into a promotion for an upcoming Arby’s sandwich.